You clearly don’t mess with people’s bank accounts in Cyprus. It was like a scene from the film 300, except instead of Spartans going around without their tops on, Cypriot politicians, kicked the sleeveen emissary from the ECB down a well and Shouted WE. ARE CYPRUS!!!!
Taking money from poor people’s savings is not an avenue Cyprus wants to go down. We’re more relaxed about it here. Last weekend, many Irish self-imposed a 7% levy on their own bank accounts…and then spent it all on drink.
And a week before that, Revenue said they would collect any unpaid Local Property Tax from your bank account as well. Revenue are not implacable however. Because, as they admit themselves, up to half of their estimates of house-values may be wrong, householders will have to try and work out themselves how much their own house is worth.
But how did they get it so wrong?
Amid the minor storm of protest about the estimates for property prices, the Cork News can exclusively reveal, some of the criteria that Revenue used for their estimates and in doing so, perhaps provide ideas on how you can reduce the value of your home.
TV Winners
For those living in the Dublin area, the Love-Hate factor had a huge bearing. For the uninitiated, Love Hate is a programme that was made in Ireland that we’re FIERCE proud of. One of the few things made here that bears international comparison. It’s like the Luas Line– or more specifically the Red Luas Line – of Irish Television (based in disadvantaged areas and it took a couple of years for the middle classes to get on board.)
If Love Hate was shot in your area, by and large then this had an immediate depressive effect on the Revenue estimate.
It is not cut and dried. The taxmen did drill down a little to see “which bits” of the programme were shot where. For example if it’s a scene showing gangsters with their hoods up, looking around them furtively before giving each other a Wire-style silly handshake, then 50k came straight off the valuation. However if it’s a future scene where Nidge decides to blow a couple of grand on champagne and a chocolate fountain, following a successful interaction with the Real IRA, then obviously it was a fish-out-water sequence and the Proximity to Posh Hotel-premium applied.
If Nationwide has ever filmed near you then you had best keep that information to yourself. Your area is clearly a hotbed of artisan whittlers, potters, beekeepers, slate-carvers and boat owners and would attract a serious Happiness Premium.
Curiously any properties near the location for the TV3 series Deception were declared by Revenue as completely exempt as it was clear they were in some sort of parallel universe that bore no relation to reality.
Hummus Sweet Home
What’s your nearest food shop like? Is the shop-front duck-egg blue? Are all the baked products displayed in Little Riding Hood-style baskets with china-pattern lining? Then chances are you suffered under the Sourdough and Chickpea Rule. A basic rule of upward mobility is that if the local shop in an area contains sourdough bread or chickpea products in more than three forms, chances are the residents are getting ideas above their station and therefore it’s necessary to make it a paystation.
On the other hand your closest shop doesn’t even have a sign over the door but announces its contents with an array of washing-machines, chairs, broken tricycles and a selection of concrete animals, then relax – you’ll be paying tuppence.
Imposing Haircuts
Parents, your child’s hair may be costing you money. You possibly thought you were doing them a favour in letting them express themselves with floppy Kinda Bueno hairstyles but you were only adding a few hundred euro to your LPT bill. Hair Inspectors have been active around the country taking copious notes of how ‘adorable’ the children are. You need to re-evaluate what’s important for your children. Get their heads styled like the worst-behaving Premiership footballers, get them off the skateboards, away from the lemonade stands and up to mischief as soon as possible.
House it going?
Finally there is of course your home. There is no point in trying to improve it – the LPT is a tax on nice things so this is why we can’t have nice things. You can forget about external wall insulation to save energy. Why spend money insulating your house when it might just be cheaper to buy the fuel? Instead board up the windows, park a Datsun outside with no wheels, along with a few concrete dog ornaments bought at the local shop, spray DIZZER LUVS NATALI on your garden wall and wait for the whole thing to blow over.

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