The Show Of The Book Of The Twitter Account is off on a bit of a tour.

• ‘Do you have a son working in something to do with computers’?,
• ‘Had you to ask the young one in the shop to put the credit on the phone’?
• Did you ‘have the pavlova’?

Colm O’Regan, creator of the @irishmammies Twitter phenomenon and author of the Best-selling The Book of Irish Mammies, brings the world and wisdom of the Irish Mammy to life in a unique and dotey way.
… So if you’re near some of the towns below and looking for a Mammies’ Day present why not get a few tickets for this:

• 8th March-  The Source
• 16th March Wexford 
• 21st March- GB Shaw Carlow
• 22nd March Theatre Royal, Waterford 
• 29th March- Driochead 
• 13th April- Riverbank
• 19th April- Alley Theatre Strabane 
• 25th April- Roscommon arts Centre
• 16th May – Mermaid Arts Centre

And hopefully more dates to be added soon.

“Hey kids wanna play? You like snowmen and snowballs? Of course you do! But you don’t always get what you want do you? Here’s a thaw to teach you about disappointment!”

As adults eat the last desolate orange truffle in the box of Roses on the empty desk at work and children struggle to pack one last wodge of wet Mr Freeze-style snow from the roof of the car into a miserable icy snowball, the only refuge is watching the telly.

Or rather a form of telly-watching.

Now, with box-sets and broadband we consume television series like a packet of chocolate biscuits. In one or two sittings, with no self-control and only stopping when we are physically ill.

The only thing that interrupts the watching process is for those – not us, I swear – who journey around the more Del-Boy reaches of the Internet looking to stream the latest episode of Game of Thrones and finding it with Turkish subtitles in a crate marked ‘Spices’.

It’s only a brief interlude however.

Other than that, TV is a completely immersive experience. While watching Love/Hate in real time on an actual television, I was struck by how intrusive the advertising break was. There are none of those interruptions online or from the box-set. You can be lost in the fictional world that is just a few feet or inches from your eyes. After watching a season-and-a-half of Revenge in two-and-a-half evenings, such was the amount of backstabbing and betrayal among the filthy-rich Hampton set, my wife and I were completely suspicious of each other’s motives for about an hour afterwards. “What do you mean ‘do I want tea?’. Just what exactly are you plotting now in your scheming devious mind?”

With everyone watching series at their own pace, conversations between friends will invariably contain the line “Hang on a second, where are you now in it?…Oh okay I won’t say any more so.”

In fact it can be frustrating being in the company of someone who is ‘up to date’ when you’re languishing somewhere in the middle of ‘Series 2’. They know something you don’t. Therefore a further binge is required in order to communicate with them as equals.

But at least you can catch up. Television was not like this before. A series arrived and became the talk of the whole town at the same time. If you hadn’t seen it the previous night, you might as well not bother going to school. There were no repeats, no Sky Plusses, only minuses. Ask anyone over the age of thirty for their Top Ten list of regrets and chances are it will include missing ‘The Last Episode of Something’

Forty four years later my mother still remembers who called to the house just as she was settling down to watch the final episode of The Fugutive. She recalls sitting – almost in physical pain – listening to someone witter on about NOTHING while she could see (not hear, the sound was turned down) Richard Kimble come to some sort of reckoning with the One Armed Man over her guest’s shoulder.

Speaking of The Visitors, I also suffered. On May 24th 1985, the original ‘V’ – a horror-series about aliens called The Visitors who invade Earth – was reaching a dramatic conclusion. It is impossible to overstate how much this series resonated with 1985 Dripsey – where there was a suspicion of people from Ballincollig, let alone Outer Space. The scene where the woman in childbirth recoils in horror as a second green lizard twin hauls itself out of her womb is still imprinted on my brain. But I MISSED THE FINAL EPISODE because I had to go to bed early as it was the night before my First Holy Communion. History has seen many instances where great wrongs have been done in the name of religion but this was one of the worst.

The decline of traditional television-watching is almost like the decline of formal religion.  We don’t have a TV. And we’re not the only ones. I meet more and more people who are also choosing to live their lives without any formal television. And what’s worse they’re raising their children without it. You hear people try to rationalise the diminution of the role of The Box in their lives “Like, I spose…I don’t believe…like… that Television is this…like Big Machine in the corner that we should all worship….but I do have my own I ‘spose you’d call it personal relationship with TV… I carry it around with me in a laptop bag but don’t think you have to have this big display of TV watching. I let the kids use the iPad until they’re old enough to decide for themselves.”

And yet, sometimes you realise there is something missing. When we visit people we barely speak to them. We run past them into their sittingroom and gaze in awe at the large screen in the corner. There is a kind of peace that comes from a physical TV set. And unlike a laptop, it doesn’t spend five minutes telling you about all the viruses it intercepted on your behalf (a job previously done by your mother).

Currently we are at a hiatus – up to date in A Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Revenge, Dexter and wondering where to go next. It’s not a trivial decision. It’s important to pick the right one. To embark on a new series only to find it’s not good enough is upsetting. And you can’t binge with a bad taste in your mouth.

The Gathering has begun. People from all over the world have been invited to stay during the year. In order to give us a chance to make the tea and see if we’ve enough mugs, it’s best to do what you would do with any visitor: Take them away out for a spin somewhere while we sweep the floor.

There are plenty of places for them to go. With a little imagination, the Gatherers can be directed towards some lesser known attractions because the usual destinations are sure to be packed. Here are the top five attractions you’ve never heard of:

The Devil’s Modem

The Irish landscape is littered with results of the various cataclysms and gradual processes that Nature visited upon it and none is more awe-inspiring than The Devil’s Modem in Ballashee, Co Roscommon. It is a patch of dark rectangular rock with almost orthogonal grooves along the top and a sort of aerial-like protrusion that appears to serve no function whatsoever. On some sunny days, small areas along the front appear to glint like lights flashing in an incomprehensible pattern.

This feature is the result of glaciation but locals have a different story. It is said that one dark and stormy night, The Devil was online when his wireless started acting up. He raged and raged, smashing walls and kicking a hole in the door until eventually he rang the provider. The girl on the phone asked the Devil did he try switching it on and switching it off again. With that The Devil grew so angry that he hurled the modem out the window three miles into the darkness and it landed on the mountainside, forming the unusual shape we see today.

Swan-Feeding Idiot

Although Ireland is not usually renowned for its wildlife, the unusual practices of her humans have drawn visitors from all over the world. Anthropologists, both professional and hobbyist, come to the country year-round to study some of our more outré behaviour and none are weirder than the Swan-Feeding Idiot. The SFA is a well-meaning though simple-minded creature. By nature they are kind and have a strong empathy with still-water dwelling animals like ducks and swans. This compels them to regularly bring mouldy bread in plastic wrapping to the birds. They feed the swans from this bread. But then – and this is what still puzzles anthropologists – the Swan-Feeding Idiot will discard the plastic wrapper next to where the swans are eating, thus running the risk that the swans choke on plastic. It is this combination of Altruism and Moron that will fascinate your visitor and leave them feeling they’ve seen something unique.

Ghost Estate Studios

Recently opened – or recently closed, depending on your point of view –Ghost Estate Studios in Lacknaflack, Co Offaly is the latest example of making the best of a bad situation. It’s a little known fact that Hollywood and the American TV giants regard the relics of our construction-boom as some of the best locations for shooting zombie and apocalypse related films. “It’s like the words of the script come to life immediately, almost perfect unfinished houses, bad fireproofing and hostile locals“ said Larry Stipolski the producer of the multimillion blockbuster disaster film ‘No, Not The Day After Tomorrow, The Day After That ‘ as he scouted out locations around Offaly.

A one-day trip to the studio is a snack for the senses. You’ll gaze in wonder at the bleakness of the surrounding landscape and wonder why anyone would want to live in a place called “Bel Air Heights” in the middle of a bog.

The Ghost Estate movie industry is not without its controversies. Nearly two thirds of all studios have been inexplicably located in Health Minister James Reilly’s constituency.

RisingLand

It has been called the final piece of catharsis in Ireland’s relationship with its colonial past – a theme park that allows thrill-seekers to experience all the rough and tumble of an Irish Rebellion against the British. One of the most popular rides is Spy In The Camp where you can witness an important planning meeting for the insurrection of your choice and then race against time to tell all the plans to a RedCoat standing nearby. Sit back and watch as all the leaders are arrested in their beds.

You can even take part in a mock-battle where you join the embattled rebels who are understrength and underarmed due to the non-arrival of the French. There’s fun for all the family as you struggle against cannon fire, armed only with a rubber duck and your shoes.

And whatever the weather, following your exertions you can then relax in the heated pool and sunbeds which are in the “Shipped To Australia” section.

Museum of the Tribunals

Speaking of the weather, one thing that hasn’t changed is the rain, which – to paraphrase My Fair Lady – stays mainly on the windcheaters of bedraggled tourists. Now more than ever we need decent indoor attractions to keep our visitors spending. And nothing will remind them more than the museum of Tribunals.

After finally opening this year, some ten years late and with a mammoth price-tag the MOTT is still worth every penny. An impressive limestone façade topped by an enormous statue of Justice weighing out a load of cash for herself, this is a most exciting addition to Ireland’s heritage.

It is an extremely content-dense tour with a separate wing devoted to each of the eighty-six tribunals but there is a lot of light relief too, especially in the full-scale re-enactment of Bertie Aherne’s evidence.

The visitor is brought back to earth with a juddering halt however just before the exit, where a giant digital screen displays the running total of all the money paid in pensions to the politicians who have been passed through the tribunal system – including the ones that went to jail.

January

Phil Hogan, following the example of Shell Corrib Gas Tunnelling machine (called Fionnuala after the children of Lir), announces plans to name other unpopular measures after Irish mythical figures. The Household charge is renamed The Deirdre of The Sorrows Charge – because it was doomed from the start.

Meanwhile the government sells the rights to drill gas in Dublin Bay – in exchange for a handful of beans – to a man they met on the way to the fair. The proposal to plant the beans and scale the resultant beanstalk to retrieve the Giant’s gold hits a snag as An Bord Pleanala reject the massive green swaying structure as being “unsympathetic with the skyline”.

February

Saorview breaks and we have to get a new one in the shop. It’s under warranty so it’s okay but we might have to get a new telly. The dog and the cat in the ads are hauled back from the pound to do another series of ads, though they are just as annoying. RTE host another two-hour switch over and Miriam does the Big Click and again she eschews the traditional 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 countdown. Whereas last year she listed the prime numbers from 10 to 1, this time Miriam does the Fibonacci sequence.

March

The government avoid a conflict with the ECB by paying the promissory note due this month although they managed to keep it off the balance sheet by having their eyes closed when they did it. Easter becomes a flashpoint in Kerry as local priest father Father Martin Hegarty inadvertently upsets children when he claims that Santa and the Tooth Fairy killed the Easter Bunny.

April

Filming of the next series of Game Of Thrones in the North descends into chaos as Loyalists misinterpret the lowering of the Lannisters flags during a battle scene and invade the set. Luckily Joffrey Baratheon has some of the rioters blinded, thrown into jail and beaten with barbed steel hairbrushes. A dragon immolates the rest.

May

Lucinda Creighton uses the opportunity of a European Summit in Dublin to lambaste Enda Kenny (saying he doesn’t know his arse from his elbow) during an after dinner speech in Dublin Castle. Kenny laughs it off suggesting it’s a ‘bit of craic’ but is privately said to be concerned. James Reilly springs to his defence but makes matters worse as he inadvertently knocks German Finance minister Wolfgang Shaeuble out of his wheelchair, catches the table cloth on the zip of his trousers, trips and plants his face firmly in Angela Merkel’s groin. He then compounds the damage by refusing to apologise, saying the incident was caused by a complex algorithm of factors.

June

Following on from the success of Fifty Shades of Grey last year, publishers are keen to find this year’s sensation. Initially David Norris’s book is republished and heavily promoted around the world as an account of sado-masochistic role-reversal due to its title Kick Against The Pricks.

July

Ireland becomes the unlikely source for the viral-video hit of the summer. With traditional news stories quietening down for the silly season, the catchy dance beats and funny visuals in “Gangland Style” take the world by storm.

Nidge from LoveHate does a pigeon dance, with some “angry burds” on the Red Luas Line while in background a cast of hundreds help dancing Gardai with their inquiries.

August

Grade inflation in the Leaving Cert sees every student receiving the result “Aren’t you great altogether?” The department of education points out that it doesn’t matter because with the registration charge going up, overcrowding is not going to be a problem for much longer.

A sixth summer of rain sees rice overtake wheat as Ireland’s main foodcrop.

September

Kilkenny win the All Ireland again defeating their B-team in the final. Henry Shefflin is top scorer for both teams and Brian Cody gets involved in a nasty sideline alteraction with himself.

October

After a summer of defeats, a new look Irish team featuring a triumvirate of attacking players Wes Hoolahan, Anthony Pilkington and Shane Long as Ireland trounce Germany 4-0 away. The euphoria is short-lived however, as all three players are dropped by Giovanni Trapattoni for not playing to the system. Trapattoni mysteriously says “You can not tell cat to go get stick. You need dog. A cat only do all the time what it wants. Therefore, you must not play cat even it is much much skilful and can pass ball!”

Ireland lose their final game to Kazakhstan at home as the crowd reacts angrily to the introduction of a goalkeeper on the wing.

November

Panic sweeps the world as archaeologists uncover a hidden Mayan carving which relates to their ancient Long Calendar prophesy. It is translated roughly as “Oh wait, actually it’s 2013 I meant”

December

The seventh austerity budget in a row sees the government take the coins out of the eyes of the dead, the coat off our backs and any bit of hope at all that was left in us. They promise to safeguard the Croke Park agreement and claim that TDs pensions cannot be touched for legal reasons although admit they haven’t actually tried. On the upside they launch their fifth jobs initiative and create high-value jobs – all of them on the board of the Fifth Jobs Initiative Organisation.

Labour defections continue apace. Eamonn Gilmore is now leader, chairman and the fella who organises the Kris Kindle.

Either way, the moment of handing over the present is at once exciting and terrifying. More often than not, the moment is a let-down. Not necessarily because they don’t like the present but because they can’t register a reaction quickly enough as they try to figure out what it is you’ve bought them.

Therefore you have to jump in and say “IT’S AYOKE FOR …” and “REMEMBER HOW YOU WERE SAYING YOU NEEDED A …” Either way, a certain magic of the moment has been lost. Worse still, if they actively dislike the present they’ll look away and remark on how nice the wrapping paper is.

Of course this won’t happen if you go for broke and present them with a little BMW embossed box containing a key and you just point out the window to where it’s parked. Buying someone a car may no longer be an option so here are some thoughtful presents that will always elicit oohs and aahs on Christmas morning:

DVDs can be an underwhelming present, chiefly because as an object they don’t inspire much awe. They are the chicken-and-stuffing-sandwich-from-Topaz of objects. But there is one DVD that will leave you stunned.

‘No Direction Home: Our Olympic Journey’ is a truly harrowing viewing experience. It tells the true story of a group of athletes who are in London, terrified to return home because of the hames that is being made of the Welcome Home ceremony by a combination of dark and/or incompetent forces in the government and the Irish Olympic Council. We see inside the athletes minds as they are presented with the awful choice of no homecoming at all or being subjected to the show-trial on the side of a truck on Dame Street. As the film proceeds towards its inevitable depressing denouement there is a poignant moment where one athlete is introduced to the crowd by Des Cahill – who it turns out is also being held hostage – and the audience thinks it’s Katie Taylor. So as not to disappoint them and possibly provoke a riot, a male dressage competitor has to pretend to be Katie Taylor. The result is excruciating. It’s tough uncompromising reportage and the filmaker’s follow-up film: the story of the engineer taken from his home at gunpoint and forced to stand next to Miriam during the digital switchover – Saorview: Free, But At What Price? is eagerly anticipated.

Charity Gifts

These have taken off in a big way in recent years. Who could fail to be charmed by the ads on the radio, excited farm animals off to help third world farmers? (No one has ever done a true voiceover of the animals’ thoughts however. I think a cow would be muttering “Of course I was the last to hear about it. Don’t they know now I can’t stand the heat?”) With the exception of the deluded male goat who claims he’s going to be a milk-making machine (I’ll have my tea black thanks), these are productive gifts that will last long beyond Christmas. The problem with charity gifts is that everyone wins except the person receiving the gift. Therefore a new charity gift has been designed in conjunction with the European Union. You still give a goat or a cow but as well as a warm fuzzy feeling, the recipient will also be guaranteed large subsidies by the Common Agricultural Policy, thus shutting third world farmers out of many food export markets. You know the old saying “Give with one hand, repeatedly slap around the face with the other.”

Books

The book is the failsafe Christmas present because it takes so long to complete one, the giver will be well out of the way before the receiver realises how last-minute the gift was. But with a little thought the perfect book can be found. Undoubtedly the success story of the Christmas season has been the historical epic Frankfurt’s Way.

It tells the story of a mainly well to-do family who are racked by feelings of guilt over the way they’ve abandoned their working class roots. The book follows them all the way from their lowly beginnings right up until the time when a potentially advantageous marriage to a wealthy farmer starts to go sour. Frankfurt’s Way is a parable for all of us about what happens when you forget who you really are and how to recognise the important things in life: a salary of a hundred grand a year and a big pension.

Board Games

With the release of Cork Monopoly, the public has woken up again to the charm of a board game. Many a happy afternoon can be passed in a distinctly lo-fi way. The key to engaging the players’ attention is an appropriate level of difficulty. Surely then the new version of Cluedo will be one to keep a family entertained through the depressing months of January and February.

One person plays The FAATHER. Instead of solving a murder, the other players will attempt to find millions of euro taxpayers money hidden by the FAATHER in properties and complex financial entities around the world. Be warned though, prematurely declaring “It was the daughter with an ATM card in Kiev!” could lead you with egg on your face as THE FAATHER has the right to play the “Local People Versus The Media Above In Dublin” card.

Happy shopping!

Now that time has come for Twitter and the one single event that made it relevant? When it got Pat Kenny into trouble.

Over the last few years, many people in the public eye have made missteps because of Twitter. James Mclean fumed about Trappatoni, Chris Andrews pulled a shnakey one giving out about his own colleagues, Sinead O’Connor fired a barrage of rockets when she laid into someone pretending to be Linda Martin (with some of the shrapnel hitting the RTE make-up department). But that was to be expected. “A lot of these ‘celebrities’ are half-cracked anyway.”

But when Pat Kenny landed himself in hot water on the Frontline last year, when he read out an incorrect tweet, well, that was a different matter. That kind of thing doesn’t happen to Pat. He might have had the awkward moment on the Late Late with the grumpy woman not wanting the Toy Show tickets, Brigitte Nielsen taking off her boot or Pete Doherty pulling his hat over his eyes. But that wasn’t his fault. “The Late Late just never suited him”.

The Frontline thing was different. Pat got in trouble. So now, with the RTE report out, Twitter is back in the news. Therefore how should one answer the question – “Would you have much to do with this oul Twitter?”

Previously an explanation of Twitter might have required a little background explanation of the Internet. That is no longer necessary. Following the launch of pricepropertyregister.ie EVERYONE in the country is on the Internet because it finally has a proper reason for existing: To find out how much a neighbour’s house went for.

You can cut straight to the chase. The official definition is that Twitter is an online social networking and microblogging service that enables its users to send and read text-based messages of up to 140 characters, known as “tweets”. To better understand it, think of Twitter as a room on the Internet where lots of people are talking and very few people are listening.

If you are going to get ‘mixed up in this oul Twitter’, there are a few important terms you should acquaint yourself with.

Followers: These are people who’ve signed up to read what you have to say. The rule of thumb is that the more followers you have, the better a human being you are. Not all followers are positive towards you. Some may hurl abuse. Think of the scene in Michael Collins where Liam Neeson gives a stirring speech on the back of a truck “Who’ll take my place?” He says. Amidst all the enthusiastic cheering, insert a few more people in there shouting “You’re only a bollox Michael!” And that’s Twitter.

Retweet: Repeating what someone else said – it’s the cornerstone of gossip. Unfortunately, from a legal point of view, it’s dangerous. With real gossip some degree of protection can be created with the phrase “You didn’t hear this from me now” but on Twitter, you clearly did. And Lord McAlpine knows where he heard it too.

Hashtag: Somewhere in its illustrious history the ‘#’ character has come to mean only one thing to millions of people. Originally it was the hurried scribble which mediaeval clerks wrote “lb” for pounds, then it became a noughts-and-crosses symbol for people with small hands. On Twitter when it is placed in front of a word it becomes ‘alive’ and that word or phrase e.g. #colmsbookisonsaleinallgoodbookshops can be used to link all the tweets which repeat it.

Such is the ubiquity of hashtag, that some cognoscenti are known to litter their verbal interactions with references to it. “I see that Colm is still sneakily promoting his book in his articles… hashtag DESPERATE”

This should not be done unless you are a bit of a nob. In cases where this has occurred already, a file has been sent to the DPP.

Where enough people write a tweet with a hashtag in it, then the hashtag is said to be trending. Not everything that trends is important. This is where The Young People come in. The Young People are on Twitter in huge numbers. They follow Justin Bieber – (Beliebers) and/or One Direction (Directioners). Such is their power, they pretty much decide what is trending. Nuclear war could be threatened but on Twitter #OMGNiallisSOOOOCute will be the main topic. A word of warning, you provoke Beliebers or Directioners at your peril. They will descend on you – virtually of course, they’re sweet kids really – in their thousands. Such is their fanaticism, the charismatic evil genius who manages to harness their support for political gain will become president of the world. If he/she can get them to turn up to any rallies.

Troll: Previously this was a villain in Ladybird books – now they are people who deliberately try to provoke an emotional response on Twitter by writing something abusive. The best way to counteract a troll is to ignore them but if you are in possession of a sufficiently large Billy-Goat Gruff then kicking a troll into a river is perfectly fine too.

Now that you have the basics you’re ready for Twitter and you can start by following me! @colmoregan or my mater ego @irishmammies. (Hashtag DoesHeEverStop)

Isn’t It Well For Ye? The Book of Irish Mammies is nominated for an Irish Book Award in the Best Irish Published Category. Please vote for it here

For the rest of us, there are many things to be afraid of and there’s no point in pretending otherwise. Contrary to another old chestnut, the best way to conquer our fears is not to confront them. That would be a silly thing to do. Fear gets very annoyed when confronted and it might lash out and clip you around the ear. The best way to conquer fears is to quietly make a list of them and then hope it happens to someone else.

It’s Halloween this weekend and seems an apposite time to draw up that list. As you go down through them you will see that there’s plenty to be scared of:

Ghosts 

As ghosts don’t have a corporeal form, they can’t actually physically hurt you but they can be upsetting. Having one in your house is rather like looking after a small child. They wake you up at night and it may take you ages to figure out what they’re complaining about. Ghosts also slam doors and break things.

Zombies 

The good thing about zombies is that there has to be some sort of zombie apocalypse in order for them to appear, such as the outbreak of some sort of brain-eating virus. It should be possible to see that coming and prepare in advance. Therefore you should be looking to gather your ideal group of survivors with whom to struggle across a debris-strewn landscape to an uncertain future. In films on this subject, there’s always a lot of tension as strangers who are thrown together by circumstance struggle to get on. Now is the time to pick a group of friends with whom to survive the zombie apocalypse. Pick useful friends: one who can siphon petrol out of cars, one who can shoot zombies without any firearms training, one who can set up camp and cook and one who can drive really fast. Plus, that person you’ve fancied for ages who is currently going out with That Eejit. (Eejits don’t survive the apocalypse)

Vampires 

They are reputed to have a voracious appetite for blood and this compulsion has damned them to an eternally cursed life as they destroy that which they once had. On the other hand, for anyone who bought a house between 2004 and 2008, eternal life might just be the answer. You will eventually come out of negative equity.

If Twilight has taught us anything, vampires are good looking and slim – if a little pale. A growing contingent of vampires in the country would improve the general look of the place and make Ireland a leading world location for shooting vampire films.

Monsters 

Monsters are everywhere, particularly under the bed, in the wardrobe and stumbling around the attic. If you don’t hear anything inside the house, there is definitely one standing outside at night leering in the kitchen window with its horrible monsterish face. You may be transfixed as you look out at it. Except it’s not outside. What you’re seeing is a REFLECTION! IT’S STANDING BEHIND YOU. RUN!

Monsters will leave you alone as long as you have a healthy respect for them and stay in bed shaking with fear until the morning.

The Fairies 

We have our own home-grown bogeymen too. Although fairies and banshees are less noticeable now because everyone’s too busy on their iPhones, it is still worth keeping on the right side of the little people.  Don’t go bulldozing any fairy forts in order to create a decking area or a slurry pit. Look at what happened the last Fianna Fail government after they allowed the M3 to go through The Hill of Tara. “Sure, they could have no luck after that.”

Aliens 

The threat from aliens hinges not on the ones that are to come but more so from the aliens that are already here. If we’re to believe the conspiracies, a race of humanoid reptilians from the Alpha Centauri star system secretly rules the world. Apparently Queen Elizabeth is one of the foremost lizard leaders. While that might be disturbing for anyone who works in the English Market and realises how close they came to being eaten, the carry-on of Prince Harry should convince us that they are settling in more and more as time goes on.

Invading armies and /or Terminators

Climate change and over-population threaten global water supplies, meanwhile Ireland gets more and more rain. It is inevitable at some stage in the future, that we will become the target of a US-led Coalition of the Willing who will claim us as part of a war on terror. Therefore we should start hunkering down for guerrilla warfare at some stage. Stockpiling tins of beans and planting impenetrable forests are an early step. On the plus side we are more likely than any other country to have John Connors.

Wild Animals 

We are extraordinarily lucky in this country that our wildlife has been hunted or domesticated into submission. Nevertheless, there are animals, which if they organised themselves, after escaping from a misguided genetic scientist’s lab, might do us real harm. Obviously I’m talking about swans. Swans hate us already – you can tell that from looking at them. The time may come when they ram bushels of soggy sliced pan back down our throats. It’s best to start apologising now to any swans you see and perhaps start feeding them a biscuit every now and then.

That’s the last tip. After this, you’re on your own I’m afraid.

Colm O’Regan’s debut book Isn’t It Well For Ye? The Book Of Irish Mammies  was published yesterday and is available in all good bookshops. It has also been nominated for an Irish Book Award (therefore another thing to fear is ‘Other Nominees’)

For the rest of us, there are many things to be afraid of and there’s no point in pretending otherwise. Contrary to another old chestnut, the best way to conquer our fears is not to confront them. That would be a silly thing to do. Fear gets very annoyed when confronted and it might lash out and clip you around the ear. The best way to conquer fears is to quietly make a list of them and then hope it happens to someone else.

It’s Halloween this weekend and seems an apposite time to draw up that list. As you go down through them you will see that there’s plenty to be scared of:

Ghosts

As ghosts don’t have a corporeal form, they can’t actually physically hurt you but they can be upsetting. Having one in your house is rather like looking after a small child. They wake you up at night and it may take you ages to figure out what they’re complaining about. Ghosts also slam doors and break things.

Zombies

The good thing about zombies is that there has to be some sort of zombie apocalypse in order for them to appear, such as the outbreak of some sort of brain-eating virus. It should be possible to see that coming and prepare in advance. Therefore you should be looking to gather your ideal group of survivors with whom to struggle across a debris-strewn landscape to an uncertain future. In films on this subject, there’s always a lot of tension as strangers who are thrown together by circumstance struggle to get on. Now is the time to pick a group of friends with whom to survive the zombie apocalypse. Pick useful friends: one who can siphon petrol out of cars, one who can shoot zombies without any firearms training, one who can set up camp and cook and one who can drive really fast. Plus, that person you’ve fancied for ages who is currently going out with That Eejit. (Eejits don’t survive the apocalypse)

Vampires

They are reputed to have a voracious appetite for blood and this compulsion has damned them to an eternally cursed life as they destroy that which they once had. On the other hand, for anyone who bought a house between 2004 and 2008, eternal life might just be the answer. You will eventually come out of negative equity.

If Twilight has taught us anything, vampires are good looking and slim – if a little pale. A growing contingent of vampires in the country would improve the general look of the place and make Ireland a leading world location for shooting vampire films.

Monsters

Monsters are everywhere, particularly under the bed, in the wardrobe and stumbling around the attic. If you don’t hear anything inside the house, there is definitely one standing outside at night leering in the kitchen window with its horrible monsterish face. You may be transfixed as you look out at it. Except it’s not outside. What you’re seeing is a REFLECTION! IT’S STANDING BEHIND YOU. RUN!

Monsters will leave you alone as long as you have a healthy respect for them and stay in bed shaking with fear until the morning.

The Fairies

We have our own home-grown bogeymen too. Although fairies and banshees are less noticeable now because everyone’s too busy on their iPhones, it is still worth keeping on the right side of the little people. Don’t go bulldozing any fairy forts in order to create a decking area or a slurry pit. Look at what happened the last Fianna Fail government after they allowed the M3 to go through The Hill of Tara. “Sure, they could have no luck after that.”

Aliens

The threat from aliens hinges not on the ones that are to come but more so from the aliens that are already here. If we’re to believe the conspiracies, a race of humanoid reptilians from the Alpha Centauri star system secretly rules the world. Apparently Queen Elizabeth is one of the foremost lizard leaders. While that might be disturbing for anyone who works in the English Market and realises how close they came to being eaten, the carry-on of Prince Harry should convince us that they are settling in more and more as time goes on.

Invading armies and /or Terminators

Climate change and over-population threaten global water supplies, meanwhile Ireland gets more and more rain. It is inevitable at some stage in the future, that we will become the target of a US-led Coalition of the Willing who will claim us as part of a war on terror. Therefore we should start hunkering down for guerrilla warfare at some stage. Stockpiling tins of beans and planting impenetrable forests are an early step. On the plus side we are more likely than any other country to have John Connors.

Wild Animals

We are extraordinarily lucky in this country that our wildlife has been hunted or domesticated into submission. Nevertheless, there are animals, which if they organised themselves, after escaping from a misguided genetic scientist’s lab, might do us real harm. Obviously I’m talking about swans. Swans hate us already – you can tell that from looking at them. The time may come when they ram bushels of soggy sliced pan back down our throats. It’s best to start apologising now to any swans you see and perhaps start feeding them a biscuit every now and then.

That’s the last tip. After this, you’re on your own I’m afraid.

Colm O’Regan’s debut book Isn’t It Well For Ye? The Book Of Irish Mammies was published yesterday and is available in all good bookshops. It has also been nominated for an Irish Book Award (therefore another thing to fear is ‘Other Nominees’)