Assuming there is still a world in 2013, Colm O’Regan looks ahead to see what it might be like…

January

Phil Hogan, following the example of Shell Corrib Gas Tunnelling machine (called Fionnuala after the children of Lir), announces plans to name other unpopular measures after Irish mythical figures. The Household charge is renamed The Deirdre of The Sorrows Charge – because it was doomed from the start.

Meanwhile the government sells the rights to drill gas in Dublin Bay – in exchange for a handful of beans – to a man they met on the way to the fair. The proposal to plant the beans and scale the resultant beanstalk to retrieve the Giant’s gold hits a snag as An Bord Pleanala reject the massive green swaying structure as being “unsympathetic with the skyline”.

February

Saorview breaks and we have to get a new one in the shop. It’s under warranty so it’s okay but we might have to get a new telly. The dog and the cat in the ads are hauled back from the pound to do another series of ads, though they are just as annoying. RTE host another two-hour switch over and Miriam does the Big Click and again she eschews the traditional 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 countdown. Whereas last year she listed the prime numbers from 10 to 1, this time Miriam does the Fibonacci sequence.

March

The government avoid a conflict with the ECB by paying the promissory note due this month although they managed to keep it off the balance sheet by having their eyes closed when they did it. Easter becomes a flashpoint in Kerry as local priest father Father Martin Hegarty inadvertently upsets children when he claims that Santa and the Tooth Fairy killed the Easter Bunny.

April

Filming of the next series of Game Of Thrones in the North descends into chaos as Loyalists misinterpret the lowering of the Lannisters flags during a battle scene and invade the set. Luckily Joffrey Baratheon has some of the rioters blinded, thrown into jail and beaten with barbed steel hairbrushes. A dragon immolates the rest.

May

Lucinda Creighton uses the opportunity of a European Summit in Dublin to lambaste Enda Kenny (saying he doesn’t know his arse from his elbow) during an after dinner speech in Dublin Castle. Kenny laughs it off suggesting it’s a ‘bit of craic’ but is privately said to be concerned. James Reilly springs to his defence but makes matters worse as he inadvertently knocks German Finance minister Wolfgang Shaeuble out of his wheelchair, catches the table cloth on the zip of his trousers, trips and plants his face firmly in Angela Merkel’s groin. He then compounds the damage by refusing to apologise, saying the incident was caused by a complex algorithm of factors.

June

Following on from the success of Fifty Shades of Grey last year, publishers are keen to find this year’s sensation. Initially David Norris’s book is republished and heavily promoted around the world as an account of sado-masochistic role-reversal due to its title Kick Against The Pricks.

July

Ireland becomes the unlikely source for the viral-video hit of the summer. With traditional news stories quietening down for the silly season, the catchy dance beats and funny visuals in “Gangland Style” take the world by storm.

Nidge from LoveHate does a pigeon dance, with some “angry burds” on the Red Luas Line while in background a cast of hundreds help dancing Gardai with their inquiries.

August

Grade inflation in the Leaving Cert sees every student receiving the result “Aren’t you great altogether?” The department of education points out that it doesn’t matter because with the registration charge going up, overcrowding is not going to be a problem for much longer.

A sixth summer of rain sees rice overtake wheat as Ireland’s main foodcrop.

September

Kilkenny win the All Ireland again defeating their B-team in the final. Henry Shefflin is top scorer for both teams and Brian Cody gets involved in a nasty sideline alteraction with himself.

October

After a summer of defeats, a new look Irish team featuring a triumvirate of attacking players Wes Hoolahan, Anthony Pilkington and Shane Long as Ireland trounce Germany 4-0 away. The euphoria is short-lived however, as all three players are dropped by Giovanni Trapattoni for not playing to the system. Trapattoni mysteriously says “You can not tell cat to go get stick. You need dog. A cat only do all the time what it wants. Therefore, you must not play cat even it is much much skilful and can pass ball!”

Ireland lose their final game to Kazakhstan at home as the crowd reacts angrily to the introduction of a goalkeeper on the wing.

November

Panic sweeps the world as archaeologists uncover a hidden Mayan carving which relates to their ancient Long Calendar prophesy. It is translated roughly as “Oh wait, actually it’s 2013 I meant”

December

The seventh austerity budget in a row sees the government take the coins out of the eyes of the dead, the coat off our backs and any bit of hope at all that was left in us. They promise to safeguard the Croke Park agreement and claim that TDs pensions cannot be touched for legal reasons although admit they haven’t actually tried. On the upside they launch their fifth jobs initiative and create high-value jobs – all of them on the board of the Fifth Jobs Initiative Organisation.

Labour defections continue apace. Eamonn Gilmore is now leader, chairman and the fella who organises the Kris Kindle.

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