They’ve found it at last. As is the case in all these situations, it was in the last place they looked. There is no comment from the Almighty on its discovery but it is believed that God is happy given that without the Higgs-Boson, there’d be no mass.

Perhaps because the focus was very much on the so-called God particle, it was the only ‘show in town’ when the scientists made their historic announcement at the news conference in Cern. But it wasn’t the only thing that emerged from their efforts. With such huge quantities of energy released, a number of other strange sub-atomic smidgens were observed. Their existence had been posited for years but now, finally, we have proof. These new discoveries include:


This be a dangerous devil, aye. I’ve aheard tell of it many’s the time cap’ain. They say it haunts the seven seas and has sent many’s the scurvy dog to Davy Jones’ Locker aye.


Minute in size, yet powerful in application, the Higgs-Bison is believed to be the secret ingredient in a packet of Buffalo-flavoured Hunky Dorys. For years, mankind had wondered how the spicy flavoured potato snacks could be Buffalo-Flavoured despite the absence of any obvious buffalo-extracted ingredients. Now we know.


From looking at the background radiation emitted during the creation of the Higgs-Boson, the mass of particle is larger than expected which leads observers to conclude there may be another tastier, juicier particle wrapped up inside. An Italian team at the Hadron Collider site found that the Figs-Boson had a number of mysterious properties. It went lovely with Fanta but as of yet they have no idea how it got inside the Higgs-Boson and admit it is unlikely they will ever find out. They even did a song about it, to no avail.


A wasteful and fun-loving particle that will blaze into life for short periods and then fade into the background and be essentially motionless for a number of years. It will then repeat this cycle seemingly having learned nothing.


A super-fast mysterious particle. Calculations done thus far hypothesise that it is to be found in the vicinity of boring middle-aged sexist particles with inexplicable popularity. Famously, the identity of the Stigs-Boson is not known, but unusually for particle physics, no one really cares.


Some of the Higgs-Bosun particles appeared to have an ill-advised hairy growth on their chins. Often this was red in colour – completely at odds with the rest of the particle’s colouring and leading to a bit of slagging from the scientists. The Smigs-Boson only suited a limited number of particles. The rest were encouraged to shave it off. And take out that earring.


Because of the huge amounts of energy involved in the process of revealing it, the Higgs-Boson is an extremely volatile particle. It is easily provoked and will often find itself in further collisions with protons, electons, quarks and neutrinos. (leading to the phrase “There’s Only One Neutrino”). Despite this, the Higgs Boson manages to maintain some sort of equilibrium and scientists believe this is due to the calming influence of the Triggs-Boson which will accompany its master on long walks. Or at least it did until recently.


Until recently nothing was known about the Higgs-Dyson. The lack of information was due to the fact that the Higgs-Dyson was very expensive and shur wouldn’t an ordinary one do fine? However improvements in technology have meant the HD is now nearly everywhere. Although that carpet is still not going to hoover itself.


A once powerful particle that has degraded over time and is now only visible in fleeting, pathetic cameos.


Another entity that appears at the early stages of fusion, the Higgs-Futon is initially very useful and relatively inexpensive to generate, however in a curious phenomenon Higgs-Futons are often discarded in favour of something more permanent. Particularly after children come on the scene. Oh yes indeed, you may be sure.


During the climactic bombardment that led to the appearance of the Higgs-Boson, CERN staff noticed that other particles in the vicinity were being split in two, often in a very messy and public way. This led them to hypothesise the presence of another influence which had difficulty keeping in its pants – the Giggs-Boson. Evidence of this has been known for some time but scientists weren’t allowed to say anything due to an injunction.


A small, popular particle that makes a slightly funny noise when it is excited.

1 Comment

  • simeon banner Posted July 12, 2012 2:25 pm

    Very funny to mix the Giggs, Stigs and Higgs. Celebrities possess very little gravity or grey matter and I’m not sure if they have any mass too.

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