January

Another cold snap returns following a brief thaw around Christmas. Public anger grows when a Prime Time documentary reveals that NAMA developers  are using precious salt and grit to exfoliate their wives in helicopters while ambulances full of orphans are stranded on icebergs in the Lee.

February

The IMF do their first quarterly review of the government’s four-year plan. There is embarrassment for the government when the delegation is seen kicking the tyres of Brian Lenihan’s Mercedes saying “Where did you get the money for this?

March

Following the success of the Rubber Bandits’ Horse Outside, the new finance bill includes provision for an NCT for horses. A controversial provision to bring in a road tax for horses is abandoned following warnings that “If you try to tax my horse, he’ll kick you in the face

April

During his Easter message the Pope hints at further relaxation in traditional Catholic dogma. Following his comments on condoms in 2010, Pope Benedict follows up with an admission that it would be technically possible for women to become priests “but only if there were no more men in the world”.
May

The general election is finally held. The exceptional unpopularity of the government is demonstrated when a new political party entitled We Hate Puppies outpolls Fianna Fáil in some constituencies. A coalition of Sinn Féin and Fine Gael is elected and promises to renegotiate the IMF deal. The IMF send their leading representative to Ireland. He confirms that he will listen to all suggestions and then laugh at them in a sinister way.

Sinn Fein is forced to backtrack on a promise to hold a vote on a United Ireland when Northern republicans reject the proposals because of economic disarray in the 26 counties. “We’re just not that into you anymore” says Martin McGuinness.

June

More than 60,000 students sit their Leaving Cert examinations. Newspapers and other media outlets discuss this with the aid of suitable reference or quotation.

The man with the deep voice who says “Leigh anois go curamach ar do scrudphapeir na treoiracha agus na ceisteanna a ghabhann le cuid Áaaaaa” at the start of the Irish Aural exam releases his long awaited autobiography: Awkward Conversations in Shops. The book sells well at first, however within days most people drop down to the Pass version.

July

Initally, it looks like nothing bad will happen this month, so the Icelandic volcano decides now would be a good time to erupt. In an embarrassing mix-up, the new government responds to the crisis with an announcement that extra supplies of grit and salt have been ordered.

Wikileaks reveal that Bertie Ahern actually believed he won all that money on a horse.

August

Lady Gaga is admitted to hospital when a fitting for her Video Music Awards costume goes drastically wrong. The singer, who was due to wear a dress consisting of a live two-year old Friesan heifer, suffers extensive bruising when the animal “gets a bit skittish” and drags Gaga through a ditch and head-first into a round bale of silage.

The pop phenomenon later claims the heifer-dress is a statement about the subjugation of millions of heifers by the man from the AI.

September

Following their great escape in 2010, the Chilean Minors show the world that their success was not a fluke as they capture the All Ireland Senior Title with a victory over Cork. The winning captain Luis Urzua, admits that Cork were worthy opponents and that his team were forced to “dig deep”.

New entrants to Primary school are the first to experience a controversial new curriculum designed to reflect more austere times. All four and five-year olds will be expected to put in at least an hour a day sweeping chimneys and selling matchsticks. The syllabus: Knocking the Corners Off Them – A New Era in Education; is strongly criticised by unions who say that it will place an extra supervisory burden on teachers and make it harder for them to sneak off on skiing holidays in February.

October

X-factor fever grips the country again as another supermarket worker from Ireland wows judges and audiences alike. However, Magdalena Tomaszycki’s employers Lidl are criticised for using her song choices to advertise their special offers. The controversy first comes to light when Magdalena sings ‘Tar And Cement’ and ‘I’ve Got a Brand New Pair Of Rollerskates’ during the same show.

November

As the economy stagnates further, street protests call for a new government. Bowing to pressure, another election is called. In a dramatic sea-change in Irish politics, a new party composed entirely of nuns just back from the missions is swept to power under the slogan – The Carmelite and the Ballot Box. The political group, called Nun Sense, immediately reopen negotiations with the IMF’s representative Ajay Chopra. Mr Chopra is reported to be visibly shaken after the first meeting and reduces Ireland’s interest rate immediately.

December

Budget 2012 is unveiled. Further deep cuts are unveiled, however protest is muted after Finance Minister Sister Mary Eunice tells the country “Isn’t it a pity about ye – wouldn’t ye be a lot worse off in Somalia?

Have a non-white Christmas and a New Year in line with growth projections!

Colm O’Regan

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