It all makes sense. For years I had felt out of step with the world. Now I know why. I’m not a Taurus, I’m an Aries. Being a ram trapped in a bull’s body has meant years of anguish for me but now I can finally be myself.
This week, the astrology world was turned upside down when it was pointed out that irregularities in the Earth’s orbit means that the dates of all the star signs are now different and there is a new sign Orphiuchus. Astrologists are up in arms over the changes but they really should have seen this coming.

Like all Arians, I’m not afraid to look for opportunities and the disarray in astrology circles means a new approach is needed. While other stargazers are vague in their predictions, afraid to be too specific in case they get it wrong, I’m sticking my neck out. Here are horoscopes that are specific, dramatic and bold. And surely they must be accurate for someone.

Aries (19 April – 14 May)

You will win €75 on the prizebonds prompting you to believe it’s the best investment out there. Even though having €1000 for ten years in prize bonds and only winning €75 represents return of less than 1% per year.

You will hit your shin off the edge of a table in your sitting-room.

Taurus (14 May – 21 June)

At the start of the year, your car will fail the NCT due to stricter emissions regulations and also because your number plate is in italics with a sort of handwritey script. The former is due to a completely wrong-headed policy by the government to put older cars off the road just to prop up the motor industry even though WE DON’T MAKE CARS IN IRELAND. The number plate issue is entirely your own fault.

Gemini 21 June – 21 July

2011 promises to be an exciting year for you, but not without its pitfalls. In August you will finally, after years of slightly flirty emails, ask out Denise from work. It turns out she has a boyfriend, Gary. You’re sure he’s probably a langer but then it turns out he is currently away with Concern, volunteering in Haiti, which makes him even more of a langer by making it impossible to hate him. On the upside, this rejection and the rapid shattering of all your tentative hopes and dreams will give you a more sanguine, devil may-care-approach to life and at the Christmas party, after a feed of drink, you’ll get a shift from Valerie.

Cancer (21 July – 11 August)

New year, new beginnings. Your health will be your primary focus in 2011 as you join a gym. Initially you will throw yourself into the programme assigned to you by your instructor, however a mysterious stranger will send you an email with a link to an article which says that sitting in the jacuzzi is actually more effective than exercise.

Leo (11 August – 17 September)

Love blossoms for you in July following Amanda’s wedding in a church on Thomas Street due almost entirely to your audacious choice of transport. Others will be jealous of your success – specifically Fitzy, Enda and Darren Gibney – and start jingling their keys. But you must persevere and do not be afraid to give them one of these.

Virgo (17 September – 31 October)

The time is now right to take control of your career and get on the Apprentice. You are the ideal candidate. You’re confident, you have a suit and can walk well with a wheely suitcase. Virgos make great apprentices because they are not afraid to roll up their sleeves, put their shoulder to the grindstone, their nose to the wheel, their knee to the groin. Others may seek to blame you for not selling enough chocolate penguins during the Task but you know in your heart of hearts that, while he’s a nice guy, Gavin is not a good project-manager.

Libra (31 October – 21 November)

The majority of this year will be very quiet. You will be suspended following an incident in the National Football League. You should not let this hiatus prevent you from pursuing your dream: Wearing low-cut man-tops in downtown New York City. New opportunities are on the horizon as you become a judge in the All Ireland Talent Show. With opportunity comes responsibility. Like all Librans you can be fiery and you will need to learn to control your emotions. Some of the contestants’ fashion sense may not be as well attuned as yours but you should not throw a duster at them in frustration. When it comes to your fellow judges however, you should give your feelings free reign and hit them a few slaps.

Scorpio (21 November – 30 November)

Your children continue to be a disappointment to you. This year you can barely understand what they are saying. The rift is further heightened when you find they’ve set up a Facebook page in your name and have written all the status updates to take the mickey out of you. “OMG Who’s left the teabags in the sink?! I’m such a loser *makes the loser sign*

Your life will gain more equilibrium in October as Venus – your daughter, not the planet – moves out to go to college.

Ophiuchus (30 November – 18 December)

It will be a quiet year for you – you’re only new.

Sagittarius (18 December – 21 January)

Stress is the pervading emotion in the start of the year as a series of misfortunes beset you. A game of golf from last year returns to haunt you. Some friends want your job while others do a shnakey one and pretend they don’t want your job but they really do. In Spring there is some relief as you and all your friends are booted unceremoniously out of your jobs. However Sagittarius is traditionally a star sign that can look forward to a generous state-guaranteed pension.

Capricorn (21 January – 17 February)

Unfortunately, Capricorns’ notorious laziness will lead to some mishaps this year. Your bike will be stolen from outside Penneys one morning after you pop in to get a white shirt because you didn’t have any ironed for work. A new person will enter your life during October but you see that they have a clipboard and a facial expression of forced cheeriness so you pretend to be really busy.

Aquarius (17 February – 12 March)

Aquarius is a star sign profoundly affected by the position of Mars. In April, Mars will be hiding under the stairs next to the hoover. During this time you will get one of those little hangnails on your left thumb. You will bite it too hard and pull some skin off you didn’t intend to. Money matters too will be a worry, prompting you to count all the copper change you’ve been storing up. You will be disappointed to find it amounts to €5.23 even though it looked like a lot more in the jar

Pisces (12 March – 19 April)

Neptune will be in your pocket in March so then will be the time to resolve some family difficulties and confront your brother who is stealing money from you to pay for tattoos. In other money matters, the budget will affect you disproportionately as Pisceans are traditionally more likely to take advantage of property-related tax reliefs.

Disclaimer: Astrology is an inexact science. Much of what happens in 2011 depends on you and your choices. You cannot place too much faith in the stars. It’s bad luck.

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